has an awesome sense of humor, i tell ya. it’s pretty apparent that i’ve had some issues these past few weeks….so i’ve been kinda woe is me…but yesterday and today have just well, been super awesome. *note my extreme amounts of sarcasm*
yesterday started off with a REALLY good piece of news. then…it all went downhill. fast. to make a super long story short, i had a misunderstanding with someone who i’ve considered a friend for quite some time. not just an online friend, but someone i would talk to about stuff in real life. the two are generally pretty separate for me and i generally like it that way. she feels as if i betrayed her, which was never my intention. i explained myself to her and while i know she’s still hurt there’s really nothing more i can do. what’s done is done, i’ve said my peace, i know how she feels, it’s over. that whole situation made me realize, i needed to do something i’d been thinking about for a long time. so, i put on my big girl panties and did it. some words were said by people, i didn’t know they felt that way, and well, it pretty much started what was about to be a very bad day. someone told me to just ‘shrug it off,’ and you know, i need to take her advice. i’m not quite sure why i get so upset over people who really could care less about me. it’s quite apparent that they don’t care so i need to develop that same attitude. don’t get me wrong, i have some AWESOME people in my life (both digi and in real life) who i know have my back no matter what, and i need to focus on that. it’s not about the bad, it’s about the good, and i’m going to embrace that. end of subject.
as the day progressed, i got a phone call from my oldest friend. we’ve been friends (albeit off and on) since we were in 2nd grade. she’s hit a rough patch the past few years and has been in and out of rehab. we don’t talk much and when we do it usually involves her trying to enable me in some way. she called me yesterday. she told me she was in the hospital again. this didn’t surprise me. i knew she’d been drinking again, so i just assumed she was going to tell me that her mom and her soon to be exhusband gave her an ultimatum (again). she goes on to tell me that she had a bunch of her NA friends over (who still drink) and they were drinking and she fell down the stairs at her moms and BROKE HER NECK! ummmm, wtf dude? for real? i didn’t get the whole story because she was quite obviously out of it. she wanted me to take her to the prison to see her boyfriend (who is there for 5 DUI’s). ummm, i haven’t talked to you in 3 months. everything i’ve heard, i’ve heard from a mutual friend, not from you. no. i am not taking you to see your drunk ass of a boyfriend who is 10 yrs younger than us and i am sure the hell not going to be held responsible for yet another relapse. i feel horrible because i had to do it, but i had to. this has been going on for 3 years. 3 long years. i’m done. i will not enable her anymore and i will not be bullied into enabling her. i know how this is all going to end and it’s not going to be pretty and i refuse to feel as if i helped her get to where it’s going to be. again. hate this situation
then, one of my best friends calls me. her grandmother passed away yesterday morning. her grandmother means the world to her. i just don’t even know what to say. i told her that my thoughts and prayers are with her and that i would most definitely be there for her in any way i could. i guess there’s only going to be a memorial service for her grandmother since she wanted to be cremated. i told her that i’d like to be there for her, but we’ve sort of lost touch in the past couple months (again, my fault because of this stupid depression…just like everyone else it seems) and i’m not sure that she really believes me or wants me there. i did tell her though and i did mean it. i just hope she lets me know.
last night i had a friend who had a friend die as well. a young friend. that always makes me stop and think…what if that were me? *shudder* i feel so bad for her and their family.
i ended the night by talking to some of my best digifriends…and it really did my heart good. we didn’t talk about all the crap that went on in the day and i needed that. to just forget the bad things and be stupid. it made me feel a bit normal again and that people don’t hate me. remember…i have that fear…constantly. need to work on that.
this morning darik and i took the girlies to IHOP. was SO fun. it’s not very often that we get to go and just hang out as a family together. we had an awesome car ride up there, just being goofy and singing along to stuff in the car. the girls behaved, they ate well, it was just a good morning.
but no, of course things couldn’t stay that way. i just got a call from my mom. my great aunt has been moved to hospice. she’s been in and out of the hospital since thanksgiving and yes, we all knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. i’m hoping that i can go up and see her today when (if) my mom and aunt go. she’s the last of the ‘old family’ on my mom’s side. the whole situation just reminds me of when my grandpa died…and i still grieve over that.
so yes, this weekend sucks. i wish it would just roll over and die. i still don’t feel 100% and i’m sure that magnifies everything by about 110%. i need to break out of this feeling sorry for myself funk. everyone has bad days. i know i’m allowed to bitch about it, but i really feel like that’s all i do lately. i love my life, i love my family, i have great kids, and a great husband…and i know it’s so much easier to dwell on the bad instead of the good. i intend on working on that this year…just not today.
until next time…